For some reason I feel as if my lack of confidence is a person, this might sound weird but i wanted to write about it.
Dear Lack of Confidence,
I hate you. Everytime I feel as if my confidence is getting higher youuuuu decide to show your face again. I feel as if im fighting myself! am I crazy? (hope not aha) anyways it feels like when my confidence gets better my lack of confidence gets worse! I wish it was something i could just take out of myself, id say bye bye to my shyness and lack of confidence a long time ago if it was that easy.
Last night you showed up like never before, So bad that im still sad about it today, Im so embarrassed I cant even write about what happened, I over analyzed everything and acted like a jealous fool but I couldnt help it! I tried and bit my tongue but you still came out! Why is this so hard for me? I feel like im the only one that thinks like this. Anyways I let all my sadness soak in and now im over it! I WILL have more confidence one today because I never want you to show up like your did last night I will make sure you never show up again.
– Diary of a Shy Girl
Theres so many things in my life that has made my confidence the way it is today. Im mixed with both black and white. As a child I found myself constantly comparing myself to one side of my family more than the other. Id look in the mirror and ask myself ” why cant i have nice hair like them”, ” why cant i have green eyes like them” I thought it was such a tease to have a light skinned complexion but nothing else. I never thought I was hideous but i could never see anything “special” about how i looked, Now i know looks are not everything! but they are something. I know your thinking wow i judged myself alot as a child! aha yeah I really did and wouldnt dare tell anyone about it! But once again its something im working on and of course im trying to not compare myself anymore and i dont think im the hottest looking person on earth but I no longer think im the worse looking either. My life is a work in progress, instead of looking at myself and saying what I hate, I look at what I like about it and accept it :).
As a child I had a very fast metabolism which made me skinny although I ate like a beast, and because I was skinny everybody that had a mouth had to remind me of how skinny i was (as if i didn’t see myself every single day!) of course because of the constant judgement of everyone saying ” your too thin” “your not eating” “you need to put on some weight”, it brought my self esteem down a whole lot. I couldn’t even wear shorts because i hated how my legs looked, I hated my body so much. All I wanted to do was gain some weight so everyone would just shut up! So I ended up doing something stupid….like really stupid… I wanted to gain weight fast! Anyone ever see “Super Size Me”?… Of course I wasnt dumb enough to do what he did but I knew eating junk food and fast food atleast 5 times a week would surely help my weight problem. Anyways i ended up getting use to this unhealthy diet and gained some weight but also gained a stomach… My friends and family dont say much about it but to me it looked as if I was pregnant! As soon as I seen this I just said to myself STOP! I was so mad that I let myself get that bad. I was skinny fat. Skinnish everywhere except my stomach. Of course I changed my eating habits to healthy right away and vowed to never ever do that again! I never told anyone because it was clearly a stupid idea but when everyone is judging you and your just so insecure you’d do anything to make them stop. Over the few months my stomach has gotten smaller thankfully and I dont think of myself as skinny anymore nor do I have people telling that I am, but every now and then ill have a someones parent telling me im skinny and there goes my confidence again.. everyone that is “skinny” knows what I mean when I say calling us skinny is the SAME as calling someone fat! People dont seem to realize. They think oh im gonna tell her how skinny she is because ” im concerned” well if i said oh my look how fat you’ve gotten! people will say its rude and an insult but isnt it the same thing?.. Im healthy and happy with my weight im not trying to be skinny or fat, so now if anyone insults my weight I just tell them I dont care because its MY body! Call Me Skinny and Ill Call You Fat.
-Diary of a Shy Girl